BUY THIS SHIRT, 4/1

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Buy This Shirt posts are saved for limited time t-shirt offers that’re so awesome I have to tell you about them.

The only way I can make sense of this shirt is if I imagine this is a scene in a musical. Little Red Riding Peach is singing about a fuming fire flower as a sneaky Big Bad Raccoon Mario eavesdrops. Other than that, I got nothing. What’s your interpretation?

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Game Review – Gears of War: Judgment

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Gears of War: Judgment (360)
Developer: People Can Fly, Epic Games
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
Price: $60

“15 seconds of amazing gameplay is all you need as long as you keep finding exciting ways to repeat it,” said Cliff Bleszinski, a former game designer of the Gears of War trilogy. At least I think he said it. I can’t find the quote anywhere, but I know he said it. I know.

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BUY THIS SHIRT, 3/28

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Buy This Shirt posts are saved for limited time t-shirt offers that’re so awesome I have to tell you about them.

It’s rare that I find one shirt a day worthy of this feature. But three?! That’s wild, and so are these tees. You’re the real winners though – you get three beautiful header images smooshed into one. I’m selling prints for $15. Get them while they’re hot!

Anyways.

Mr. Resettio is my top pick. I haven’t seen an Animal Crossing tee before, and mashing Mr. Resetti with Dugtrio together makes too much sense. Those Diglets are always glaring, and I would too if I had to hear Resetti’s verbose diatribes.

“Not that I care, but is that pink blotch a mouth or a nose? From this angle, I can’t tell. You’d think I’d know, but I don’t. I have no idea. It’s not like you can tell me either. You’d blurt ‘Diglett-Dig’ and vanish underground before I could take a peek. If I have to work with you, I’d like to know, OKAY? Phhft, you’re not even listening to me. HEY! I saw that! Don’t give me that attitude! I’m your BOSS. Fine. Be that way. I gotta get tunnelin’.”

PíkaThor is oh so cute as he waves Mjolnir like it’s nothing. We all know he’s too weak to wield such a thing and he doesn’t need it to conjure thunderstorms anyway. So what’s the deal, Píkachu? You want to be an Avenger? I’d pay many a Pokémon dollar to see you fight Iron Man.

Bowser’s looks menacing without pupils, doesn’t he? Sheesh. While it’s the least interesting of the three shirts, I tend to prefer cool art styles over two nerdy things mashed together.

BUY THIS SHIRT, 3/27

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Buy This Shirt posts are saved for limited time t-shirt offers that’re so awesome I have to tell you about them.

Zebes is dank. Moss wiggles between your toes and organic ooze drips from jutting stalactites, all while foul creatures defend this planet they call home. This offends Ms. Samus since she used to call Zebes home too, until these grotesques infested it. That’s okay with me though, because Zebes is also a dank place to explore (dank as in cool, ya’hear?). If Samus gives it a thumbs up, it must be good! She’s particularly fond of the upbeat soundtrack.

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*Updated* BUY THIS SHIRT, 3/23

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Buy This Shirt posts are saved for limited time t-shirt offers that’re so awesome I have to tell you about them.

Starting a game of Pokémon is like going to an animal shelter. Before entering, you’ve decided that you’re going to get an orange kitty. It’s what you’ve always wanted. Once inside, surrounded by adorable animals that crave your affection, that initial desire wavers. “Well” you murmur as you rub the cutest two-year-old cat’s fluffy tummy, “maybe I can get two!” Pokémon refuses this change of mind. You select one and only one, and you’ll never get the other two.

Picking which “Poketryoshka” shirt to buy is a little easier. Since I already have a Charmander shirt, it’s a toss up between Squirtle and Bulbasaur. And if you can’t decide, don’t. Buy all three!

*Update: They added Squirtle! Yippee!

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Track Attack – Cool Spot

Cool Spot

Catchy tunes are not exclusive to the radio. Track Attack highlights game music that enhances splattering zombies, solving ancient riddles, and two-hour commutes.

Song: “Bonus Stage”
Composer: Tommy Tallarico
Game: Cool Spot (1993)

Cool Spot makes a killer entrance as he carves a wave on a 7up liter surfboard. You know, that anthropomorphic red dot with rad shades who substitutes as a hyphen for faux Sprite? He throws drippy blasts of carbon dioxide at crabs, too. Don’t remember this? Totally understandable. The various cartridges Cool Spot blessed are of the same breed as World Gone Sour, a game featuring Sour Patch Kids. Which is to say, mediocre games based on food products. But the soundtrack achieved greatness.

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BUY THIS SHIRT, 3/22

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Buy This Shirt posts are saved for limited time t-shirt offers that’re so awesome I have to tell you about them.

If you want to be identified as a real gamer, this shirt is for you! It lets everyone know that you eschew flamethrowers for arrows; tanks for ponies; aliens for furry stone giants; messy gore for somber ethos; curb stomps for puzzles; and chaotic worlds for sprawling emptiness. Who needs that drivel when you’ve got Shadow of the Colossus?

Now if you excuse me, I’ve got me some Gears of War to play.

*Revs chainsaw*

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On the Cheap – Triad

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On the Cheap is Squinshee’s regular gander at inexpensive or free games.

Triad (Mac, PC)
Creators: Anna Anthropy, Leon Arnott
Price: Free

My friends have a term for the obtuse or lousy jokes I tell. They’re called “Calvin jokes.” I’ve nicknamed my reefer-toking chaps “Weedonites,” for their interest in all things Joss Whedon. It loses all contextual significance from the get go since they don’t actually care that much about Mr. Avenger. When arranging luggage in car trunks or groceries in the fridge I spout out, “It’s like real life Tetris!” Ha?

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BUY THIS SHIRT, 3/20

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Buy This Shirt posts are saved for limited time t-shirt offers that’re so awesome I have to tell you about them.

Raiden is too cool for actual words, so he sliced his choice noun and shoved it at the beginning of his beloved verb. Or is it the other way around? Either way, hearing him shout, “I will get my revengeance!” like a passionate war cry, makes it a portanteu that won’t be soon forgotten.

Okay, okay. Raiden never says this in Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, but he does in Playstation All-Stars: Battle Royale. That makes the phrase canon, right?

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On the Cheap – Ridiculous Fishing

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On the Cheap is Squinshee’s regular gander at inexpensive or free games.

Ridiculous Fishing (iOS)
Developer: Vlambeer
Price: $3

“Any kind! Any shape! Any color or size!” imagines a young Marco from Dr. Seuss’s McElligot’s Pool, as his lure bobs in a puddle without a nibble. “I might catch some fish that would open your eyes!” The thought of snagging a rare breed or an abnormally plump tuna spurs enthusiasts to sit for hours in silence. Corona in one hand and a dangling rod in the other, fishing is a sport of recreation with moments of reeling drama.

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