“The Jankiest Gatecrash Card” award goes to…

Worst Gatecrash header

(All card images were retrieved from Magic: The Gathering’s Official Website.)

Aurelia's Fury

Aurelia’s Fury! Who wants to blast a bunch of creatures and potentially counter a noncreature spell before it resolves? I hate when cards do a bunch of middling things because you always end up overpaying for the effects. Those fifteen mythic rare slots should be reserved for good cards, not crap like this.

Oh wait, this card is bonkers. Now let’s actually discuss the most horridly janktastic cards of Gatecrash!

Psych-outs

These two contenders appeared to have what it takes to be jankarific, but after laborious hours of careful inspection, they proved themselves to be key pieces in particular strategies.

Mortus Strider

Mortus Strider initially reads as a three mana 1/1 that regenerates for its cost – an over-costed Dutiful Thrull. However, there are some decent ways to abuse the fact that it returns to your hand, making it better than it first seems to be. It’s a repeatable sacrifice machine used best with Undercity Informer to mill the shit out of your opponent, and less so with the underwhelming Corpse Blockade. Combined with Sage’s Row Denizen and Incursion Specialist (for repeatable cipher effects), Mortus Strider reveals itself as an integral piece in specific decks. I want to draft a mill deck with this fella’ real bad.

*****

Leyline Phantom

The body and mana cost of Leyline Phantom is aggressively costed for a blue creature, but its ability makes it less functional as a late game beater and annoying to play with. If you’re playing Simic colors though, this fatty is actually awesome at pumping up a legion of evolve creatures multiple times. Just plop him down and watch the greatness unfold! “He’s going back to me hand?! Awww, how sweet of you.”

da real jank

The sad truth is that most bad cards are so bad they’re not interesting to talk about. These top four contenders unquestionably fall into that category. I’m bored so I’m doing it anyway!

#4

Debtor's Pulpit

As both an extremely expensive enchantment and a big middle-finger at uncommon, Debtor’s Pulpit continues the trend of terrible land auras from Return to Ravnica. I could see this going in very few decks if you lack removal, but it should only be seen as a last resort.

#3
Tin Street Market

Another high-mana-cost land aura, oh how fun! Gruul and Boros are so aggressive that I’d always put in another creature rather than Tin Street Market, even if red looting (or rummaging as some call it) is okay at searching your deck for late-game gas.

#2
Predator's Rapport

Some players will love finding ways to maximize this card’s effectiveness, and you’ll love when an opponent wastes a slot in their deck for it. Instants and sorceries that only provide lifegain have always been terrible, and Predator’s Rapport is no exception. This set’s Search Warrant for sure.

#1
Structural Collapse

Oh wow. Wow wow wow wowie. Return to Ravnica had some expensive land and artifact hate, but this one takes the cake. Are your opponents’ keyrunes and land auras causing you so much pain that you need to sideboard in this six-mana garbage? Oh, what’s that you say? Your opponent chooses which land they sacrifice? Better not make Structural Collapse too strong! Any pack it’s is in, it’ll be picked last, every time, without fail. No other card works as hard to be as awful. It truly deserves “The Jankiest Gatecrash Card” award.

Don’t play with it. Tell others not to play with it. Don’t even look at it.

Please feel free to leave comments discussing how right I am about everything.

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2 Comments

  1. Adam Grenier

     /  February 16, 2013

    Debtor’s pulpit shouldn’t be on that list. I didn’t like it when I first looked at it but it’s definitely not a useless card like the other three. Debtor’s pulpit definitely helped me at FNM last night. Saying that it costs too much is an argument that could be used against angelic eddict but people use that card. They’re both five mana and tying up your land is the price you pay for flexibility. What if you use angelic edict on a big creature and they drop something even bigger. You can’t switch the angelic eddict to the other creature. It’s not a great card but to put it in with tin street market and predator’s rapport is just ridiculous. The other three cards really are useless. Debtor’s pulpit is actually playable.

    Reply
    • I wrote this list before the set was even released, so I’ll admit that you’re probably right. I haven’t even played much of Gatecrash, but its lack of strong removal makes Debtor’s Pulpit more attractive. Thanks for the advice. I’ll be sure to give a whirl!

      Reply

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